the ghostwriters in the sky

Patrick stood at the pearly gates feeling a bit empty now he’d finished the paperwork. “Oh, one more thing”, called St Peter. Patrick groaned - not more forms, he thought to himself. “Who would you like”, continued St P, “to be your ghostwriter?”.

Patrick was momentarily struck dumb. He gathered his wits and “Why do I need a Ghostwriter?” he asked. “It’s not as if I’m going to publish a posthumous autobiography, is it?”.

Peter looked at him paternalistically and replied “Well, in a way, you are. You see, when you pass on, everyone leaves behind a ghost. But of course, you have bought all your memories with you. And so the ghost just meanders around, randomly, until someone tells it your story. Then your ghost can re-enact important moments of your life, and anyone still living with the slightest gift, hint of clairvoyance or faith will be able witness this supernatural occarrance and scare their friends and kids around the campfire or even report it to the Fortean  Times or even Lobster, should they be so inclined.”

“Ah, I see”, pondered Peter, sounding somewhat speculative. “And I get to chose who writes my story?”

“Yes, that is your right” confirmed St Peter. “You could ask for one of the great fictional authors such as Boris de Pfeffel, or maybe just your mate from the pub, who you happened to know could spin a good yarn”.

“So I can ask Brian?”, Patrick proposed.

“Sure, although he’s still alive so it might be doubly awkward. You could wait til he dies. That will be…”,, St Peter looks into the huge ledger he has on the pulpit “…in about 23 years time. Of course, during that period, your ghost will probably get lost and wander about under a canal or something, but then it will be Brian’s job to rescue the Ghost and get it back into some semblance of normal life.”

“OK, sounds good to me. So remind me when Brian gets here. No wait, better, just direct him to my favourite pub - i’m sure to be there. No which way is that?”

“Its third left after the Emirates stadium”

“What, the Arsenal? Wait, this isn’t Heaven, then?”