Mrs Beaston’s Book of Household Predators

The first sign that you’ve got pantry moths is the holes that start to appear in your pullovers. There are a number of common household solutions which have served to eliminate this pest. Here I list my favourites.

Spiders can be introduced throughout the nooks and crannies of the house, where the moths tend to congregate. Of course, you may not like spiders, but I would point out that theirwebs can also be used in place of sticking plaster and for repairing the holes in your pullovers. If you discover that really don’t like the spiders, or have a surfeit of webs, then you can introduce birds. While birds of paradise look nice, they are hopeless at catching spiders, so more quotidian creates such as the sparrow or wren will do quite nicely. And of course their feathers are very nice for a project in making an overstuffed divan.

Should the birds become a nuisance (especially their early morning chorus before church on sunday), then I recommend acquiring some bird eating spiders. When sleeping, the spiders are quite good substitute balls for hockey or indeed for croquet on the lawn o Sunday afternoon after all the singing is done. Should you develop an unnatural hatred of these pleasing arachnids, then the next step is to get ahold of some snakes, who will (to cut a long story short) make quick work. And then, of course, snakeskin gloves make an elegant solution for Christmas or last minute birthday presents.

Now I know some of your aunts may find the snakes rather scary (despite happily sporting an elegant pair of the aforesaid snakeskin gloves), so really there’s only one good answer to that, which is to hire a mongoose. It is universally acknowledged that here is very little anyone can do with a mongoose, which is why I recommend hiring one, rather than buying one. Should buy one, and need to be rid of it, then the most efficacious manner is through hyenas - their laugh is a useful antidote to the gloom induced by a failed souffle.  If the laugh becomes particularly manic or annoying, then leopards are your best bet. Or tigers. Both present an excellent eye sight test. If you don’t manage to spot them against the flock wallpaper, then the only way forward is to call in the hunt. This really is a last resort as in general, they will be usually be unspeakably pursuing something inedible.