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\volyear{122}{2044}
\journalcode{cjp}
%\journal{Can. J. Phyzz.}
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\begin{document}
\makeatletter
\title{A study of the miserableness of being\thanks{This isn't for
    real, folks\dots}}
\author[R. Fairbairns]{Robin Fairbairns}
%\address[cucl]{University of Cambridge Computer Laboratory, Pembroke
%  St., Cambridge CB2 3QG, UK}
\author[B. Dog]{Betsy the Dog}
\correspond{betsy@fox.freedombird.net}
\AddressNote{But not correspondence in writing, please; she's a clever
  and beautiful dog, but not \emph{that} clever (what's more, I need a
  long enough Address Note that I can demonstrate line wrapping\dots).}
\address{33 Brampton Rd., Cambridge CB1 3HJ, UK}
\author[H. le Chat]{Helo\"\i{}se le Chat}
\author[D. Discoideum]{Dictyostelium Discoideum}
\present{The Royal Society, Carlton Terrace, London}
\shortauthor{Betsy and others}
\received{Received January 17, 1997.  Accepted December 25, 2043.}
\IDdates{Revised version received July 4, 1776.}
\dedication{This paper is dedicated to computer programming dogs everywhere}
\webpub{yesterday}
\assoced{H. MacMillan}
\commdate{tomorrow}
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\iffalse
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\begin{abstract}
  Oh! Oh! Oh!, it's all so boring and sad.  I try to make a decent job
  of things, and whenever I speak to anyone I offend them.  I can't
  see a future for myself.  Betsy, what do you think?  Grrrrf{}f{}f.
\end{abstract}
\begin{resume}
  Merde!
\end{resume}
\section{At least \emph{something} is OK}
Here's a jolly thing.  Schnabel's secretary mistyping `whore' of
the piano when he meant `hire'.  (Secretary tells a story against
himself\dots)
\begin{equation}
  \label{basic}
  e=mc^2
\end{equation}
\section{And we can play around with that, can't we?}
By playing around with the rest-mass equation~\ref{basic} we can get
some other astounding factoids:
\begin{equation}
  m=\frac{e}{c^2}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
  c=\sqrt{\frac{e}{m}}
\end{equation}

\section{Schubert's Unfinished Symphony}

 A managed care company president\footnote{I believe this means the
 person was responsible for mangling health care, rather than any
 other sort of care~--- we don't of course have this class of person
 on \emph{my} side of the Atlantic} was given a ticket for a performance
 of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony."  Since he was unable to go, he
 passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers.  The next
 morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and
 he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

 \begin{flenumerate}
 \item For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
   Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the
   whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
 \item All twelve violins were playing identical notes.  This seems
   unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be
   drastically cut.  If a large volume of sound is required, this
   could be obtained through use of an amplifier.
 \item Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes.  This seems
   an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes
   should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note.  If this were done,
   it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of
   experienced musicians.
 \item No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
   that has already been handled by the strings.  If all such
   redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced
   from two hours to twenty minutes.
 \item This symphony has two movements.  If Schubert did not achieve
   his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should
   have stopped there.  The second movement is unnecessary and should
   be cut.
 \end{flenumerate}

 In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
 attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been
 finished by now.
 
Now, name ten things that are ridiculous about the above:
\begin{flitemize}
\item First, that someone so completely without soul would have
  accepted the tickets in the first place.
\item Second, that this person should know enough about music to
  produce such a detailed analysis of what was going on.
\item Err\dots{} that's it.
\end{flitemize}

 \begin{table}[t!]
   \setlength{\captionwidth}{0.9\columnwidth}
   \topcaption{Multicultural and transcontinental woodcraft notes of a
     rather less than serious kind; taken, without permission, from
     that seminal work on the topic \cite{mumble}}
   \label{tab:woodie}
   \begin{tabular*}{0.9\columnwidth}{@{}ll@{\extracolsep{\fill}}l@{}}
     \hline*
     \textbf{Animal} & \emph{Quick ID} & \textbf{Subtle signs of presence} \\
     \hline
     Rabbit          & long ears       & small raisin-like droppings \\
     Elephant        & small tail      & huge toe-marks in spoor     \\
     Porcupine       & quills          & gnaws on tool handles       \\
     Serval cat      & spotted fur     & cry ``no no no no''         \\
     Skunk           & white stripe    & odour `like neoral'         \\
     Red fox         & red dog         & white tail-flash            \\
     \hline*
   \end{tabular*}
 \end{table}

\subsection{silly}

testing sectioning

\subsubsection{sillier}

testing sectioning

\paragraph{silliest:}

testing sectioning

\section{The Trip to Darjeeling in 1943}

  Darjeeling: you approach the place by a railway which climbs
  gradients that are impossible, twisting, turning, backing and
  shunting all over the place in the process.  The gauge of the
  rails is about a metre, the engines and coaches are like toys and
  the whole process is pretty uncomfortable but wonderfully
  worth-while.  At half-distance you dismount at a station called
  Kurseong and walk through streets for about
  3/4 mile to get something to eat, but you don't have to
  walk back [\emph{to}] the station because the train, after the
  engine has picked up some more water, comes up after you and picks
  you up at the door!\dots

  And so we arrived in the home of tea at its best and the great views
  of the Himalayan mountains.  The whole place is green~--- lawns,
  flowers, shrubs and trees of which so many are exactly the same as
  those that grow at home~--- and the general effect is as unlike
  India as anyone could expect.  The weather at the moment, too, is
  truly British.  If we had as much rain on a holiday at home we should
  curse and rave and think ourselves ``very hard done by'' but here
  the fact that it's cool and raining, that there are clouds and mist
  about all combine to increase the illusion of being out of India and
  near home which from any point of view is a good thing.  We've been
  lucky enough to get a civvy billet under the auspices of of a funny
  little woman with a frizzy mop of grey-white hair who talks ninety
  to the dozen most of the time and feeds us like fighting cocks.

  The weather being as it is, we only see the famous views
  now and again and usually a bit at a time but yesterday morning we
  were up at 4.30 and away on a 7~mile trek by pony
  over mountain roads and tracks to a point called
  Tiger Hill where we were rewarded for our
  labours by an all-round view which would have excited the most
  hardened, blas\'e tourist in the world.  Miraculously, everything
  was perfectly clear and on one side were the massive white peaks of
  the {Himalayas} shining in silver and gold with the tip of
  Everest just appearing above the top of it
  all, well over a hundred miles away.  Then on the other side were
  vast stretches of plain with a river that looked like something in
  an infra-red photo.  Just why the rain should hold off on the one
  day when we really needed it to be fine is a mystery but it did and
  it was all very wonderful\dots
  
  ``We'' incidentally comprise {6}~men from various parts of
  the regiment who happened to be going away at the same time: by a
  lucky coincidence the other five were all blokes I knew more or less
  well and as a clique for spending leave together we seem to be
  ideally suited~--- everything runs smoothly, no disagreement, no
  friction.  There's a couple of cinemas in {Darjeeling} which
  we patronise quite freely, especially welcome since there is none in
  our own camp and we have to depend back there on occasional visits
  to the local garrison town for any entertainment of that sort.

  And there's a place called Pliva's
  where you can go drink \emph{real} coffee in the mornings to the
  music of two violins, cello, piano and drums.  Of course, since the
  food in the billet is so good, we don't have to bother with cafe
  meals which is an important point because these things are either
  very expensive or very bad in India and mere common soldiers have
  \emph{very} little money\dots


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\end{document}
