Feedback on writing exercises

I have made brief individual comments on work handed in, but please also read the notes below.

General comments relating to more than one exercise:

Feedback on Exercise 2

This was generally done very well. Some very good points were raised, including several which I hadn't thought of myself, but completely agreed with.

Part of the point of this exercise was to get you to think about the readership of a piece of writing. In this particular case, the objective of the writing was unclear, which is one of the reasons for the problems with the text. In fact, different people had different theories about who the web page was intended for and this led to different suggestions for changes. Any real rewrite would have to be done after clarifying the objectives with whoever is responsible for the page.

My own minimal edit is given below. For the exercise, it was reasonable to do more than this, but there are various possible alternatives, depending on what you see as the precise point of the text.

Welcome to the Cambridge School of Technology.

The term 'School' in Cambridge usually indicates an administrative
grouping of related departments. The School of Technology is one of
six Schools, each of which has an elected supervisory body, the
Council of the School, comprising representatives of the constituent
faculties and departments. The Council acts as a co-ordinating
organisation for its group of departments and is an intermediary
to the central University bodies for academic administration.

The mission of the School of Technology is to provide a focus and
framework for its constituent departments to formulate and express
views related to technology, both inside and outside the University.
Technology is recognised as having its own priorities and its own
criteria for success.  The technology departments recognise a duty to
influence and be influenced by society at large and to work towards
the creation of wealth and an improved quality of life. Institutions
within the School are: the Department of Chemical Engineering and
Biotechnology, the Computer Laboratory, the Department of Engineering,
the Judge Business School and the Cambridge Institute for
Sustainability Leadership.
I would additionally point out the following:
  1. The welcome line does not really fit in style with the rest of the piece.
  2. The material at the beginning is (probably) irrelevant to most likely readers. Note that webpages like this are an example of a genre where quick skimming is the norm, so one has to be especially careful about the beginning of the text.
  3. The institutions making up the School should (probably) be listed first (with hyperlinks).
  4. The mission statement should be rewritten if at all possible (see comment below).
The following comments relate to specific points about the language used: Other comments:

Comments on other exercises to follow